I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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