I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize