the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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