Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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