haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
