i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
