i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
