and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
