hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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