I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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