My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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