masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
