My first STD was from a foam party
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
