Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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