his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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