Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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