What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
