If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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