these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I want a musical about memes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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