Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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