Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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