dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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