Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
