Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
