cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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