3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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