mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
