my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I would ride that face into the sunset
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
