o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
