Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
