Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
