I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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