Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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