Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
