All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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