My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
