No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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