Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
