if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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