I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
