Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
