i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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