Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
