I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
