Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
