someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize