there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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