I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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