Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
