do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
