the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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