in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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