Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So here I am, sexting at work.
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