Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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